Warheads
by TCBN
Summary: So much drama is happening in South Park! The new kid is addicted to sour candy, the school is taken hostage, aliens return and much more! (Warning! bad spelling)
1. Chapter 1

Charlie crunched loudly on a warhead, the sourness of the candy clearly wasn't making an impact. Stuffing another one into his mouth, he walked over.

"Dude, you really need to reduce the volume of your eating, I can hear you through my inch thick parka" Kenny snapped

"Whatever, dude" Charlie shrugged, baring his teeth and making a clean but loud SNAP With his teeth against the hard candy.

"One day" Kenny pointed a finger at his friend, "Your teeth are going to crumple with the force of eating those damn candies"

"One day" Charlie smiled, "One day, this stuff will give you an idea to do something so cool"

"What?" Kenny snorted, "getting high off acid?"

"Correction" Charlie swallowed a candy with a gulp, smacking his lips, "this candy is covered in chemicals such as citric acid. Stuff you cannot get high off"

"Want to get high off cat pee?" Kenny cocked an eyebrow

"Dude, no!" Charlie spluttered, laughing

The bus pulled up to the bus stop where the boys stood. They got on as Charlie popped another Warheads candy.

"Really, that stuff will go off like the real live warhead" Kyle piped up, sitting next to Stan, behind the two conversing boys.

"What's a warhead?" a voice asked

"Some exploding thing"


	2. Chapter 2

The school cafeteria was in it's usual crowded atmosphere. The four boys plus Charlie sat at the usual table. Charlie had just given Kenny a warhead, Kenny scrunched up his face, spitting the warhead into his hand.

"This is really gross" Kenny spluttered, "It's worse than licking the road"

"Don't tempt me to bet on you to do something" Charlie grinned

"Like what?" Kenny grinned, "eat the whole pack for two dollars?"

"If you're up to it!" Charlie laughed as he watched Kenny snatch the packet from his hand and gulp down a fist full of candy.

"Oh my god, your face it's all red!" Cartman laughed, "Poor boy can't even-"

"It's so sour!" Kenny rasped, saliva dribbling off his chin, face screwed up in disgust.

"So deliciously sour for two dollars?" Cartman guffawed

"Kenny would do anything for two bucks" Kyle explained, "even climb someone's v-"

"I didn't think he'd actually do that" Charlie said, watching in confusion, fishing around for two dollars.

"He's eaten vomit" Cartman said, to Charlie's horror

"Who would have thought?" Wendy bounded over, snatching Stan by the arm, "that we topped with our history project"

"Well, yeah. You pretty much hounded the library" Stan cocked an eyebrow

"Not only the school library" Wendy grinned, "the state library!"

"We get the picture, brain box" Cartman spat, "Now go write poetry about the dumb dolphins"

"Dolphins ARE smart!" Wendy retorted, clearly insulted

"Not as smart at my ass" Cartman laughed, "it could hold a whole roller-coaster"

"Smartass? i have a smartass?" Wendy asked, not sure what on earth Cartman was referring to

"You stuck a rollercoaster up your butt?" Charlie spat, "what the hell!?"

"Yep, I even stuck a..." Cartman trailed off and stared at Kenny who picked up a fork

"Two bucks?" Kenny looked around

"You're not planning to stick that up your arse!" Charlie dry retched in disgust

777

Mr Garrison was writing on the whiteboard, mumbling to himself as well as grumbling about the school curriculum. He was angry about the school making him the science teacher. He wasn't even qualified to tell apart nitric acid and a can of soda.

"You must add these two chemicals to produce a chemical response" Mr Garrison spoke, watching as the students slowly poured their phial of bright red chemicals into a test tube of blue solution. One kid poured it in and gawped in absolute amazement, completely stunned by the color change in the tube,

"Now can someone explain to me the chemical reaction?" Mr Garrison asked, swishing around his own test tube of bright pink chemicals before adding darker colors to it, causing it to fizzle and darken in colour.

"Something about base" a voice asked, "alkaline?"

"Yes!" Mr Garrison smiled, only to drop the test tube to the floor in fright as the door burst open.

Two armed men walked in, one of them grabbed Mr Garrison by the collar.

"We're taking this school hostage!" the man roared

Someone started screaming, in the distance. The sound of bones crunching and churning sang down the halls of the school, curdling the blood of anyone in earshot.

"Hey, asshole!" Stan shouted, hand reaching for his test tube that stood before him.

"The fuck do you want, you little shit?" The gunman snorted, walking slowly towards Stan

"Leave Mr Garrison alone, dickhead" Stan growled

Mr Garrison rose an eyebrow, shocked that one of his students that always flipped him off every morning was standing up to him. A smile crept on his lips, only to vanish, when the gunman lifted his pistol to smack Stan on the skull.

In a lightning flash, the assailant was on the ground, a flood of acidic angry chemicals chewed and gnawed on the screaming red face flailing on the ground. The gunman clawed at his face, gun forgotten beside him.

"Run!" Charlie shouted, grabbing the empty test-tube from Stan's grasp and shoving him in the small of his back.

The smell of fire and the sound of screaming sent everyone bolting, scattering through the school. Stan froze for a minute.

"STAN!" Charlie shouted, Warheads candy mysteriously missing from his mouth, "We gotta get out of here!"

And they ran

777

Stan was running down a hallway, fire and smoke lashed from behind. An open window was in sight. Taking giant leaps, ignoring the loud blood curdling screaming from children and teachers alike, scalded alive from the burning fire. The fire crackled like a thick juicy and raw steak on the barbecue. Something in the distance crumpled, rumbling vibrations across the floor, up Stan's spine. Hair sticking to his face, he launched out the window, a loud and high scream pelting out of his lungs as he sailed from the yellow two story building, sailing through the air, the ground rushing towards him, he landed with a smack on the cold hard pavement, his skin frying on the wet ground.


	3. Chapter 3

"What the hell?" Stan groaned, turning over, watching an angry ball of fire lick the walls of the school from a window.

"That was one leap, kid" a fireman said, looking down at him, "reminded me of 2001"

"Except you're alive from the fall" another one said, frowning at the fireman, "And he wasn't plotting to kill himself"

"I think I broke my arm" Stan groaned, rolling back onto his stomach.

"Ambulances are on their way" the first fireman answered, blasting a jet of water onto the raging fire that roared above them.

"And the police to get the criminals" the other fireman said.

777

Kyle and Charlie were running down the halls, someone was after them, swearing and throwing bullets at them in a mad fashion.

"What the hell is this!" Kyle screamed, "why now!"

"Well, that's something you don't see everyday!" Charlie laughed nervously

"I have an idea" Kyle screamed, "give me your Warheads!"

"No!" Charlie screamed, looking annoyed

"We're being chased by a fucking MANIAC!" Kyle roared, "GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING CANDY!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus!" Charlie took out his tube of warheads and passed them to Kyle

Kyle turned around and unleashed a hail of Warheads candy skittering onto the floor. The gunman blinked, took another lunging footstep towards them and tripped. They both fled down the stairs, jumping five steps at a time.

777

Kenny and Cartman stood in the storage room, unsure what to do. The piercing screaming of the kindergarten teacher the floor below was unbearably loud. After a while, the fire alarm that had been blaring for the last while had shut off, increasing the volume of the fire eating away at human flesh and the school.

"Oh jesus! I forgot Lemniwinks!" Butters screamed, causing both Cartman and Kenny to jump. They thought they were alone.

"Dude!" Kenny hissed, "Shut UP"

"Maybe you can go save Lemniwinks by hiding him up your butt" Kenny said sarcastically, looking at Cartman's outline.

"Dude, no!" Cartman hushed, clearly grossed out

"Please! He's my gerbil!" Butters pleaded, "I always do stuff for you and you never do anything nice for me!"

"Shut up, Butters" Cartman snapped, peaking through the keyhole.

"I have an idea" Kenny said, "You save the gerbil, we'll create a diversion so we all can get out of here"

"If you don't-" Butters began, only to see Cartman march out of the hallways, grumbling angrily.

"Butters, I think you should've warned him about…" Kenny trailed off, face palming himself.

"What, Kenny?" Butters sounded unsure.

"What happened to Mr Slave and Paris Hilton" Kenny said in a monotone, "will happen to fatass"

The door burst open, revealing two stern looking policemen. One was frantically shouting into his walkie talkie. Through the static, they could just make out the voice on the other end _two units have retrieved two kids, escort them to the front._

777

Cartman walked out the classroom door in a cramped position, gerbil planted safely in the depths of his butt; he waddled out, clearly very uncomfortable. He waddled towards the steps, eyes constantly scanning for anyone intending to slaughter him. Out of nowhere, a very angry man with an axe above his head came bolting in his direction.

"Here's JOHNNY!" he laughed, swinging the axe dangerously.

"Is that an ad for a movie?" Cartman asked, looking confused, only to jump when he swung the axe again.

Wendy appeared, lifted a pistol and shot the man dead. After a moment's shocked silence, Cartman snapped in his usual snide manner.

"I still think you're a dumb bitch" Cartman growled, glaring at Wendy

"Really, I don't see why I felt the need to save you" Wendy sighed, glaring back.

A police officer ran towards them and told Wendy off, not to run into a burning building with terrorists in it.

"You're right, I shouldn't have" Wendy snapped back, marching off, officer and Cartman in tow.


	4. Chapter 4

Something wasn't right. Cartman strained once more from the hospital bathroom door, Butters waited anxiously.

"Where's Lemniwinks, Eric?" Butters asked

"I.. Uhh" Cartman faltered, "I think I lost Lemniwinks, he must've fallen out my pants"

"Oh god, no!" Butters looked mortified, "He was my best friend!"

"We'll get you another one, Butters" Cartman reassured in a very flat voice

Emerging from the bathroom, Cartman sighed as he looked around the hospital halls.

"Surely you'd understand, friends aren't replaceable, Eric!" Butters snapped

Stan in an arm sling, Charlie who munched on a fresh Warhead, Kyle and Kenny walked up towards the two.

"You look awfully constipated" Kyle said, looking at Cartman

"Well, stuffing furry things up your arse can be pretty uncomfortable!" Cartman retorted, glaring when everyone burst into a fit of the giggles, especially Kenny.

"Why the hell did gunman sabotage the school?" Stan asked

"I dunno, dude" Kyle shrugged

"Maybe it's a revolt of some kind" Charlie suggested, crunching another Warhead

"Then we'd know what they were revolting against" Kyle explained

"Maybe it was some isolated incident" Stan piped up

"Yes! Unforeseen school holidays!" Cartman cheered

"Yay!" everyone jeered

"Dammit, I'm out of warheads" Charlie grumbled

"Charlie, i think you're addicted to Warheads" Stan said in a flat, irritated voice

"I do sour candy because I have cancer" Charlie said, frowning, "Cancer patients saliva glands dry up and sour candy tends to help produce saliva"

"You have cancer?" Kenny asked, shocked as ever

"Cancer" Charlie muttered "in the colon"

Cartman slapped a hand onto his mouth to stifle a series of hiccuping giggles, unable to control himself, he fell to the floor, laughing in hysterics. Everyone stared in complete confusion, Kyle was pissed

"Dude, Cancer isn't funny!" Kyle snapped, red with fury

"O- Oh my god! Charlie has ASS CANCER!" Cartman thumped the ground with his fist, laughing.

"Yeah..." Charlie cocked an eyebrow, watching Cartman flail

"ASS CANCER!" Cartman spluttered, "Oh please, Charlie, you're hilarious!"

"Oh, I get it" Kenny mumbled, "Terrence and Phillip episode featured one of the actors having ass cancer, thus he couldn't fart no more"

Charlie glared, folded his arms and let out a very wet sounding, loud and juicy fart, stopping Cartman in mid giggle.


	5. Chapter 5

Charlie was walking his dog, early in the morning, when hos dog stopped suddenly. The dog was a small dog, yet Charlie couldn't get it to move with him, tugging on the leash, he sighed.

"C'mon boy!" Charlie tried, yanking the leash with more force. The dog still wouldn't budge.

"I have no idea if you're trying to take a shit or can see something in the distance" Charlie muttered, letting the leash slacken.

"Move!" he snapped. Charlie dropped the leash in annoyance and started to walk in the opposite direction. The ground began to tremble as if he was lying on the road and a car drove past.

"Run!" a little girl half Charlie's age cried, bolting up the road past Charlie, "RUN!"

Charlie watched the girl bolting off, confused. He wasn't sure if she had a very imaginative imagination. Turning his attention back to his annoying dog, he sighed.

A high-pitched whistle was just audible growing louder and louder by the minute. Looking over his shoulder, Charlie frowned, watching his very own loyal Labrador pelting down the road, yelping, and leash trailing behind him. Sighing, he looked skywards, only to catch his breath. A comically large cylinder was hurtling towards earth, nose pointed angrily to the ground.

"Oh I get it, granddad" was all he could think of when it hit earth.

777

Charlie woke up, gasping for air, falling off the bed. Someone was frantically knocking on his window.

"Charlie!" Cartman's voice cried, "help!"

Charlie peeked out the window and blinked in confusion. A large antenna was protruding from Cartman's ass.

"Dude!" Charlie spluttered, "What the hell were you jacking off with?"

"Hay!" Cartman shouted, "I have an anal probe! It's communicating with the aliens! I need you to get it out!"

"I'm not a surgeon, dude!" Charlie shouted, staring at the large dish that reflected the night sky.

"Please!" Cartman cried, looing as if he was about to break down, "It hurts so bad!"

Charlie, unsure if this was some dream or if Cartman was in dire need of help, he sighed and went downstairs, taking his dad's pliers with him.

"Cartman" Charlie started, unable to hide his laughter, "You do have a big fat ass"

"Yeah, I could fit a board game in there, too!" Cartman snapped

"I really wouldn't be impressed with that" Charlie sighed, opening up his pliers, "Hold still, dude"

Charlie closed the pliers onto the probe's neck and clamped onto it.

"It won't move!" Charlie tried, "These pliers are breaking themselves!"

"Well, PULL it out!" Cartman yowled as the dish swung to the left.

"This will hurt" Charlie sighed, about to swing the pliers onto the pole as a way of breaking it off.

Suddenly a large UFO that neither boy had seen or heard floating above their heads zapped Charlie and Cartman into the sky.

"I think Chemo's been fucking with my brain!" Charlie cried

"THIS IS REAL!" Cartman screamed, pummeling the air with his fists, "ARGH!"

777

"Why have you been trying to destroy our communication device?" a slimy creature asked, walking towards Charlie and Cartman, whose probe had closed off inside.

"You inserted it into someone's butt" Charlie snapped in a flat voice.

"It's the only way we communicate" the alien gurgled, raising it's slimy tentacles and wiping it on the boys, "You smell like humans"

"Durr" Cartman spat, irritated.

"Look, what the hell do you want?" Charlie said, unsure if he was still dreaming.

"Well, we're plotting to nuke earth, using fat boy's anal probe" the alien explained.

"Why am I here?" Charlie grumbled, looking out the window and gasping at the sight of Earth now miles away, just a pea sized planet.

"Because you nearly dismantled our plan" the alien drooled.

"Wait!" Cartman huffed, clutching Charlie by the wrist, "Take Charlie instead of me!"

"WHAT!?" Charlie screamed, yanking his arm back, "You-"

"You see, I'm most likely going to die from obesity related diseases and this boy over here is a healthy kid"

"You're persuading the aliens to give me YOUR ANAL PROBE!?" Charlie snarled, anger bubbling in his voice.

"I know what I am doing!" Cartman nodded, "The anal probe needs a human being who is alive for it to work"

The green alien looked at Charlie with beady black eyes, tentacles rapping itself around Charlie's wrist, wrenching him along.

"Cartman!" Charlie screamed, angry "You bastard! YOU BLOODY BASTARD!"

"It's the only way, new kid!" Cartman shouted, holding his behind tenderly.

"I can't believe you're taking advantage of my- _situation_ like this!" Charlie roared, sweating in anticipation for what was going to happen next, he crossed his legs in absolute horror.

"I know what I am doing, Charlie!" Cartman snapped, watching Charlie getting strapped to a bench and a whirring machine approach Charlie.

"SONOFA-" Charlie choked off as he felt his windpipe close, screaming for help wasn't going to help and his friend had betrayed him. Suddenly, everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

The six boys was sitting in the booth at Whistlin' Willy's. Cartman looked sick and Charlie was feeling hungry as ever, scarfing as many pizza slices as possible.

"Whayt the hell did you two do last night?" Kyle asked, looking at the two

"I did my chemistry homework and went to bed" Charlie shrugged, stuffing a Warhead in between bites of pizza.

"I ate cheesy poofs at the TV" Cartman bowled over, vomited onto the pizza a large furry animal.

"Lemniwinks!?" Butters grabbed the gerbil and clutched it to his chest, "Oh you're all gooey"

"Wow, I feel better after that" Cartman groaned, sitting back.

"Wow, dude" Kenny stared at the traumatized looking gerbil, "That's one gerbil"

"I don't know why I am so hungry" Charlie sighed, pushing away the vomit covered pizza.

Suddenly two men in black suits barged in, one grabbed Cartman and slammed him onto the table.

"Where's the communication device!" one man roared

"What device!" Cartman shouted

"Leave us alone, we're ten years old!" Charlie snapped, "We have no idea what you're talking about!"

"We're extra terrestrial analysts" one of the men explained, "We believe that there is a device that could be in a kid's butt. We received a faint poo smelling signal a few nights ago"

"What does the device do?" Kyle asked, looking confused

"It locates and communicates to aliens. We believe aliens are plotting to nuke Earth"

"What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" Charlie laughed

"Listen, boy! We sent a bloody henchman to your school to kill off random people who could hold the device! Unfortunately, that device is still live" one man snarled.

"We don't now what you're talking about!" Kyle cried

"Look, kids. If that device is destroyed, your lives will be saved and if that device remains live, you will only discover the end of the world" he explained, "and yes I agree, that was pretty stupid of us to murder random people in your school. Imagine world war three. Imagine someone dropping bombs on the entire human race"

777

Charlie glanced at the mirror, looking at his pock marked face, unsure what the two men in suits were on about. All he knew, that his butt was hurting a lot more than usual. Maybe it meant that he was closer to the end. Or maybe the chemo was winning, he wasn't sure. He remembered that dream he had a few nights ago. What did it mean? Kenny knocked on the door.

"Hey, dude" Charlie answered

"Charlie, I have something I want to tell you… " Kenny looked at his feet, "I'll donate my colon"

Charlie burst into a fit of laughter "Are you joking!"

"No, it's possible!" Kenny tried

"Dude, you have to be dead to transplant anything and besides, I don't think you're able to donate your colon!" Charlie snapped, irritated with Kenny's stupidity. He was about to close the door when he saw Kenny bolt for the road in front of the bus that was hurtling across the road. Charlie watched in absolute horror, only to double over in pain, his butt was hurting more than ever.


	7. Chapter 7

Kenny peeled open his eyes and sat up in bed, he was sweating as if he was in a sauna.

"…What the hell?" he muttered, getting up. He went over to the window, expecting to see his dad's half-trashed car to be caked in snow. He was also expecting his breath to frost in the windowpane and his fingers stick onto the glass like suction pads.

"Since when was it summer!" he shouted at no one in particular.

The sun was blaring in the cloudless sky and a small purple flower was clearly straining to sprout from a tree nearby.

"Kenny, it's time for breakfast!" his mother called from the other side of the paper-thin walls.

"Yeah okay" Kenny said, walking out to the messy living room where his sister was playing with a broken fork as a Barbie dressed in a smart looking dress made of tissues.

"You were born-ed again?" Karen asked, looking up at her big brother whose hair was sticking up in all sorts of places.

"Nah" Kenny shook his head, "you're having a weird dream again, Karen. It's impossible for me to be born and be ten years old now"

"Oh" Karen shrugged, returning to her doll.

"I gotta go" Kenny sprinted from the house, towards the hospital.

777

Charlie lay in pristine white bed, a nurse staring at Charlie with confusion.

"Do I look okay?" Charlie asked, freaking out that the nurse had seen some tumor growing in his face.

"We found an anal probe" the nurse said, staring hard into Charlie's head.

Cartman walked in and smiled sweetly at the nurse, sitting down.

"Cartman?" Charlie looked at him, "Why are you here?"

"Well, you got your poo dumper replaced" Cartman shrugged, "I figured I came to see if you're still alive so I can rip on you"

"Oh" Charlie looked miserable

Kenny burst inside and gave a massive sigh of relief.

"We managed to send the probe to the government" the nurse said, "cut it out. We found what the government was looking for so they could destroy it"

Charlie and Cartman went completely blank for a second. They suddenly remembered what happened that night.

"OH MY GOD!" Charlie gasped, sweating, "You got the aliens to give the probe to me so I could die with cancer, so the probe could be destroyed!"

"I told you I wouldn't do it for personal gain" Cartman smirked

"You're still a shit head!" Wendy's voice sounded from off the screen

"Don't worry, the probe only needs a living human for it to live" Charlie explained, "I was going to die with it. Luckily you removed it and now I can LIVE!"

The nurse looked insulted, "The cancer's spread to your brain"

The end


End file.
